When I was learning to become an auctioneer I was taught juggling. I did not learn it.
Similarly, several teachers have crossed my path along this wondrous journey of ebbs and flows, carousels and roller-coasters. Often times my teachers have not been formally recognised as such. Many times they are the most annoying of people and rarely do they know that I am learning, or of what I learn. Patience has been a long time coming.
Of the formal teachers I have known I am extremely thankful whether I have learned a great deal or little. Teaching is so much like casting for fish I have found, and some fish never get caught. I have learned a little from some and more than one would realise from others. It turns out my greatest attribute is a ‘love of learning’ I am informed of by viaCharacter.org. My psychologist Rhonda urged me to fill in the 120 questionnaire and I did and subsequently I discovered that, according to the good doctors, I love learning, I make fine judgments and have a wicked sense of humour.
Those who know me may argue, pointlessly. It is now proven by the greatest in medical research. I told you I was funny!
The point of the exercise though, was to find what I like to do and am interested in and to pursue those things in order to be happy a majority if the time. (She is treating me for depression) And blow me down…it works! The day after I did the exam and received my results with footnotes (more insights may be granted for a small fee which I didn’t pay), I felt cured. I awoke with a renewed determination to end my days of lethargy, indifference and solitude. I would from this day forth focus on learning, judging, and being kind and grateful and funny for the benefit of others. Phoof! I am transformed.
It was wonderful. I can admit that in my recent past, there have been similar moments of instantaneous exaltation. (as opposed to instantaneous combustion if which I’m still terrified!). Usually they last for around 4 days, I blame it on bi-polarity, and go back to my doona and books. (doona is Australian for quilted blanket) This time I made one of my fatal recurring errors.
On or about the morning of the fifth day after the quiz (AQ), I made a list of things to do on the new moon. Another self-improvement checklist, if you will. It’s not that Rhonda has kept it a secret that I’m perfect just the way I am. It’s not that I disagree with her and all my Buddhist teachers too that ‘Right here, right now, all is well’.
I can’t seem to help myself.
So, for the time being it’s two steps forward and one step backward. And that’s all I want – standing still is impossible. Improvement is probable. Right now is all I have.